Melania, director Brett Ratner’s ode to First Lady Melania Trump, opens with two baffling needle drops. The movie begins with drone footage of the Mar-a-Lago resort, which does in fact look like a very nice country club for the gaudy and elderly — accompanied by Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” the classic anti-war anthem typically used to lazily suggest that a film is taking place during the Vietnam War.
It’s then followed up by Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean,” which plays as the cameras follow a silent Melania as she travels from Florida to New York via the big fancy Trump jet. Later in the film, it’s revealed that Melania’s favorite musical artist is Jackson and “Billie Jean” is her favorite of his songs. (You know, the song about a mistress trying to baby-trap a dude.) The Creedence, meanwhile, might be a nod to Trump’s obsession with the song, but it also helpfully establishes that the viewer should seek no deeper meaning or symbolism in anything that’s about to happen on screen, that everything will be as shallow and meaningless as that one song choice.
Describing Melania as a documentary implies that there’s meaningful, thoughtful intention to its construction, which is very much not the case. Call it a document, instead, of 20 days in the First Lady’s life circa January 2025, with all the weight and depth of a Post-it. One that cost Amazon MGM Studios $40 million to acquire, and $35 million to promote. (No idea why.)
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For the first hour or so, Mrs. Trump prepares for Donald Trump’s return to office by fussing over her wardrobe for the inauguration, attending a planning meeting for the related ceremonies and celebrations, and fussing over her wardrobe some more. She also meets with various figures including an interior designer, Queen Rania of Jordan, and an Israeli woman who was taken hostage during the Hamas attack of October 2023.
She’s also preparing to “transform” the role of First Lady, in part by promising the return of her “Be Best” movement. We know she’s serious about this, because she takes notes on a “Be Best” branded notepad as France’s Brigitte Macron explains her country’s approach to screen time for kids. Melania is a stateswoman, the movie tells us. A stateswoman who has some very strong opinions about the collar of the blouse she’ll wear under her inauguration coat, and the flatness of her flat-brimmed hat.
It’s all in service of her “creative vision,” a phrase she uses repeatedly over the course of these 104 minutes. I have the deepest respect for fashion and interior design and even event planning as art forms, but I tend to assign credit for that art to the artists involved, not their nitpicking overseer. Congratulations on having opinions, Melania. Glad to know that orchestrating a gala formal dinner during which Elon Musk pulls a random woman onto his lap is the pinnacle of your artistic ambitions.
Melania is never interviewed on screen; instead, carefully scripted voice-over imparts her thoughts on various topics. She’s filmed watching footage of last year’s devastating Los Angeles wildfires, and lest the slight purse of her lips not indicate that she feels bad about the tragedy, the narration confirms that yes, she feels bad about it. The funeral of former President Jimmy Carter coincides with the one year anniversary of her mother’s passing, so before, during, and after that event, Melania reflects on how sad she is that her mother is gone, and takes a “quiet moment for herself” to light a candle in her mother’s memory. She of course brings the full camera crew along with her to the church.
This is Ratner’s first time directing a documentary (he’s produced several others) and… look, Leni Riefenstahl was a terrible person, but at least she had some style. The accused sex pest/confirmed hack, meanwhile, captures the proceedings with all the flair of an HGTV show. Occasionally, the footage shifts to approximate 16mm footage, the one attempt at creating visual interest on screen, but it feels like a lame effort at trying to give these moments the weight of history.
Ratner’s most remarkable achievement as a filmmaker is his portrayal of Inauguration Day, which consumes close to 30 minutes of the film. Anyone passionate about American politics and traditions knows that the rituals surrounding this country’s peaceful transition of power are fascinating, rich with history and meaning. Which is why it’s honestly a feat that Ratner captures it in the most flat, lifeless, and boring way possible. The cameras follow the first couple from event to event with no joy or excitement. The most human and relatable moment of the entire sequence is when, at 2:00 a.m. that night, Melania finally gets to take off her heels.
In an effort to prove that Melania is far more than just the wife of the President, Donald’s inauguration ceremony is interrupted by a flashback to just a day or two before, as Melania and the cameras sit in on him rehearsing his speech. During that rehearsal, she suggests adding that he’ll be a “peacemaker and unifier” to the speech — cut to the actual speech, and he does in fact say those words. “Look!” the movie shouts. “She’s not just a pretty face! She’s a real player!” Never mind the fact that referring to him as a “peacemaker” and “unifier”… sounds pretty funny right now.
On camera, Donald is never anything less than a loving and supportive husband and father — at least, he’s always quick to point out how beautiful Melania is, and at one point there’s a snippet of conversation about how she and Donald both love their son Barron. (“We have cute conversations,” the President says of his youngest son.) On inauguration day, the cameras even capture an oddly friendly moment between him and outgoing President Joe Biden, 45/47 tapping 46 on the arm as they share a private smile.
The movie does include one moment of his trademark pettiness, as he stops a meeting about inauguration events to complain about the college football national championship taking place during his big special day. They did that on purpose, he muses, without ever specifying who the “they” is.
Melania was very much kept from press in advance of its premiere, but the 10:30 AM show at The Grove (one of the earliest available public showings in Los Angeles) wasn’t solely film critics on assignment. A woman I met prior to the trailers was delighted to be there, as a huge fan of the first lady; during the movie, she pulled out her phone several times to film scenes and take pictures. She and a few other audience members also laughed and clapped repeatedly.
So at least it can be confirmed that this movie’s target audience will enjoy it, for the same reason they enjoy anything with the Trump brand on it: They want to root for their guy. It makes them feel like winning. The rest of us, stumbling out of the theater’s darkness into the harsh glare of the real world, are forced to agree with Melania on one thing: As she says more than once, Donald’s return to office was the beginning of a new era for America.
Ratner does his best to convince us that’s a good thing.
Too bad he sucks at it.
Melania is in theaters now.